Today sucked, then it didn’t, but it still does. Sound odd? It definitely was/is. The day started with me waking up early after a sleeping terribly. I was in a lot of pain, the kind I knew wouldn’t be helped by the pain meds I am on. Ironically, it was a good thing because I had a doctor appointment and I had no problem showing him exactly where it hurt.
I took my daughter to school and had an hour to kill so I went to a coffee shop where I defiantly drank tea and worked on my revision. My concentration was off though so I didn’t get much accomplished. I switched gears and worked on plotting my witch story. That went well but I couldn’t concentrate on it for very long either. So I stared into space and imagined what my muse must be doing. She was hiding in a corner sucking her thumb. At that ridiculous thought my logical side took over and I was forced to acknowledge I was worried about my upcoming doctor visit.
There were only a few possible outcomes. One, I would be told I needed another injection. Two, a change of medication. Or three, talk of surgery.
As it turned out, all of those things happened. First, they changed my medication for something stronger. It’s not a narcotic pain reliever, which I can’t take, but it’s close. I’m a little nervous about it but I’m going to do what the doctor tells me to.
Second (and third), I was told I need to have a pain inducing procedure called a discogram. Basically they are going to stick needles in my back, inject a dye into the discs and put pressure on them to recreate my pain to determine exactly which discs are the problem one(s). They they pump me full of pain relieving stuff and send me to get a CT scan.
The intention is to prepare for surgery. The chances of me not having surgery at this point are slim to none. Spinal fusion surgery. I recently watched my mother go through the same surgery and have a bit of an idea what to expect. As you can imagine my day was going downhill. I almost cried at the doctor’s office, which is weird for me. I never cry in public, ever. My husband called as I was leaving and I almost cried again but luckily was in the car.
I didn’t want to go home because I didn’t want to be upset in front of my kids so I stopped and got lunch at a grocery store that has a good deli inside it. Big mistake. One thing I’m bad at is hiding my emotions. My face betrays me regularly without me realizing it. I got a few odd looks from people passing me as I made my way to the food counter so I knew what I must look like. Since I couldn’t seem to control it I kept my head down while I waited in line.
A little old lady in front of me got my attention and smiled at me. I half smiled back and went back to analyzing my shoes. The lady didn’t give up though.
“They have really good food here.”
I was so surprised I stared at her for a while. She had the most patient smile I’d ever seen, and she knew exactly what she was doing.
“Oh, I know. I came across town to eat here.” What? I had no clue why I told her that! The lady behind the counter, who’d overheard, said “Aw, that’s good to hear. It means a lot to us.” She had to the nerve to smile too! It was a conspiracy.
The elderly lady got her food and started walking away. She turned back and told me to have a good day. She looked like she wanted to say more but just smiled at me again and nodded at the cashier before leaving.
This was a typical kind of occurrence here in west Texas. Nothing special or unusual about it, except she made me feel better. Which I think was her intention. Her simple kindness almost made me cry but I’d rather tear up about that then weep like a child about my fear of surgery in public!
I got my food and noticed everyone I passed smiled at me so I must have lost the upset expression I brought in with me. I ate my lunch and went and bought my dogs some new toys because I knew they would be happy and it would cheer me up. Then I headed home and called my mom. She was nice enough to let me vent about the medical junk. She’s been through it all, some of it very recently, so she knew exactly what I was feeling.
Unfortunately when I got off the phone the sad/upset part hit me in the face again. I still can’t concentrate on my writing projects. Hell, you don’t even want to know how long it took me to write this post! I’ll keep trying though. Work will help me get through this but I don’t know how much I’ll be able to accomplish for the next few days with this change in medication. Some of the side effects are drowsiness, dizziness, and memory loss/issues.
Fun. The doctor told me to take it at night the first time since it will definitely make me sleepy at first. If it does I won’t complain about real sleep! Maybe I’d better go do the laundry before the memory issues though.
So that’s my roller coaster day, so far. I’ll probably feel sorry for myself for a couple more hours today then on and off over the next few days. I’m the type who can’t stand negativity for very long so I’ll be fine soon.
Hopefully the day will get better fast. I have chocolate, Oreo Thins, and Smarties and I can binge watch Orphan Black so it kind of has to improve.
Sidenote: There is a YouTube channel I subscribe to that shows animal rescues called Hope For Paws. A notification popped up on my phone saying there is a new video. I clicked it but had to close it before it started. Since I almost cried at least three times today I know I better not watch it or I will cry this time.